12 Red Flags That Prevent Healthy Relationships
It’s natural to want to be in a relationship and share your life with someone. But as single moms, we know not all relationships improve our lives. Dating can be challenging, so you may be tempted to settle for "good enough" when you deserve much better.
What if there are red flags—warnings that indicate unhealthy or manipulative behavior—that you are overlooking in your relationships?
The red flags aren’t always recognizable at first, which is part of what makes them so dangerous. They tend to grow bigger and become more problematic over time. Recognizing them early is important so you can address them before they go too far. Every relationship has challenges, but there’s a difference between difficult relationships and destructive relationships.
While considering the red flags your partner may be raising, don’t forget to look for red flags in your own life and adjust where needed.
“If you want a better future, then you have to want to get better.” – Sherry Chandler, Host of Shepherd’s Village’s podcast “It’s a Single Mom Thing.”
12 Red Flags That Prevent Healthy Relationships
1: Codependency
Codependency is also known as “relationship addiction.” It happens when two people rely on each other exclusively for emotional, psychological, and even physical support. That dependency causes isolation and separation from people who can speak into your life and see things you can’t see. In a codependent relationship, your boyfriend may try to control your movements, decisions, or beliefs. They are more concerned about what is best for them rather than what is best for you.
2: People Pleasing
People-pleasers slowly lose touch with their sense of identity. They become obsessed with the other person's needs at the expense of their own needs. At an extreme, they rely on their partner to affirm their worth, as they don’t feel secure in their identity or purpose.
3: Narcissistic Behavior
Self-obsession and a misplaced sense of importance lead to a belief that the world revolves around them. If anybody threatens this belief, turmoil, and chaos tend to follow. They always see their needs as more important than yours.
4: Physical, Verbal, or Emotional Abuse
Abuse at any level is never okay. Physical, emotional, and mental abuse are undeniable red flags and not to be excused. Physical abuse is easier to spot, but emotional and verbal abuse can be damaging in the long run. Abuse is never an acceptable response to a problem.
5: Substance Abuse
Substance abuse is a clear red flag. It indicates that a person struggles with impulse control and self-destructive habits. If an addiction is present, a relationship can turn toxic quickly. Never justify or overlook someone’s dependency on a substance.
6: Anger Issues
You should never feel threatened or unsafe in your relationship. Lack of emotional regulation is a definite red flag. Heated exchanges and disagreements are bound to happen, but angry outbursts should never be used as an intimidation tactic or a way to end a conflict. If you feel fear from someone’s anger, don’t ignore it.
7: Hurting Relationships with Family & Friends
Single moms need their family and friends around them for support and community. Don’t let someone devalue or negatively affect your relationship with those you love. A healthy dating relationship should never come at the cost of other supportive, quality relationships.
8: Unhealed Trauma
Trauma survivors often live with expectations of danger, betrayal, or potential harm, even in new relationships. They feel vulnerable and confused about what is safe and find it difficult to trust others. Healing from trauma takes intentionality, time, and wise counsel. If you’re in a relationship with someone who has experienced something traumatic, it will be difficult for them to move the relationship in a healthy direction.
Remember, hurt people hurt people.
9: Blames Others/Doesn’t Take Responsibility
If you ask, “Why is everything my fault?” your partner is probably deflecting responsibility away from himself. It feels empowering to find fault with others and ignore where you’re to blame. But, it’s a red flag if someone can’t take responsibility for their actions and reactions—thoughts, feelings, and words. If it’s always a blame game between the two of you, then there is never a focus on improving the relationship.
10: Emotionally Unavailable
Feelings can be overwhelming for all of us, but for someone emotionally unavailable, it’s difficult to acknowledge how they feel. They shrink away from vulnerable moments that could otherwise create a real connection. It’s easy for them to push away anyone who even approaches their emotional boundaries and criticize and judge people who wear their hearts on their sleeves. Meanwhile, you are left feeling invalidated, misunderstood, and pushed aside.
11: Doesn’t Communicate
The lack of desire to communicate openly is a red flag. Communication doesn’t come easily for everyone, but if a partner is unwilling to open up, that is a red flag. Fear of confrontation, vulnerability, or losing control can all deter someone from speaking out. When honesty and openness are lacking in a relationship, it becomes difficult for things to flourish.
12: History of Infidelity
Even though he has demonstrated change, you must ask yourself if you feel comfortable pursuing the relationship, knowing he has a history of cheating. We've all made mistakes that we deeply regret, but a previous track record of unfaithfulness will at least affect trust in the relationship. If he did it before, will he do it again? There is absolutely nothing wrong with deciding to go your separate ways in the name of self-preservation.
In her podcast, Therapy and Theology, author and speaker Lysa TerKeurst says, “If you have to trade the best of who you are to protect the worst of who someone else is, that’s not just a red flag, that’s a full fire.”
What To Do If You Spot Red Flags?
You may be tempted to ignore or excuse red flags in your relationship for all kinds of reasons. A healthy, stable relationship is important for your future and your children's future.
So, if you see red flags, what should you do?
Don’t ignore them. Unchecked red flags often turn destructive and bring extreme pain and suffering.
Find accountability. Ask a friend or accountability partner to speak the truth about your relationship, especially patterns they see repeating.
Get counseling. A Christian counselor can provide an outside perspective and equip you with tools and resources to overcome red flags in yourself and others.
Establish boundaries. Put healthy guardrails around yourself and your children. Ultimately, it’s your responsibility to keep yourself safe.
Ms. Phyllis, the founder of Shepherd’s Village, often says, “You can only control the circle around your two feet.”
Don’t grant access to your heart to people who are irresponsible with it. If you’re seeing a pattern of red flags or know you’re in an unhealthy relationship, it’s time for you to take your power back.
Please contact the Shepherd’s Village’s 24/7 Prayer Line and let us pray for you.
Recommended Resources:
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing The Best of Yourself by Lsya Tuerkeurst
Therapy and Theology Podcast with Lsya Tuerkeurst