Dropping Your Baggage When You’re Ready To Date
As children, most of us dreamed of a “happily ever after” story. Boy meets girl. The two fall deeply in love, get married, have children, and grow old together. But what happens when that dream gets shattered?
I don’t know anyone who dreamed about growing up and becoming a single parent.
Most single parents don’t want to walk through life alone, and they certainly don’t want to parent alone. Yet, entering the dating pool after a long pause, a divorce, or a spouse's death can shock the system. Add a kindergartner or a pre-teen to the mix, and navigating the singles’ scene as a Christian single parent can be overwhelming.
Starting to date again is often scary and challenging, but dealing with what happened in your previous relationship will help decrease the amount of baggage you bring to your new relationship.
You may be wondering: “How do I unpack these bags and leave them at the door?”
I’m glad you asked.
Your past should be the last thing you think about as you move forward toward a new you, direction, and relationship. Finding something (or someone) different than you had before requires YOU to be different. You can be the change you are looking for in your new relationship.
The decisions you make now are about much more than just whether you and your date have a good time together. Your dating choices will have a spiritual, emotional, and psychological impact on you and your children for years to come, so take them seriously.
Here are five questions to ask yourself as you drop your old baggage and move into a new relationship.
FIVE QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
1. “Is there still hurt I need to address in my life?”
You’ve survived something hurtful, so it’s time for something different. You desire a healthy relationship, not a hurtful one, but that requires that you’re healthy going into it. Unhealthy attracts unhealthy—and that’s not what you want.
Instead of looking for the right person to date, first focus on becoming the spiritually and emotionally healthy person God wants you to be. Ask yourself if you’ve healed from the trauma of your previous relationship. Rely on God for healing instead of hoping a romantic relationship will meet your emotional needs.
Not working through previous pain will also leave you vulnerable to being drawn into romantic fantasies that distort the reality of the relationship. Remember that the loss of your previous partner has permanently changed you and your kids, but those changes can result in growing to become stronger people who are more like Jesus.
Surrender your will for your dating life to God and trust Him to lead you as you consider new dating relationships.
2. “Is this person God’s BEST for me?”
You aren’t looking for better; you’re looking for BEST.
Have you asked God every day to give you the wisdom you need to make the very best dating decisions? Wisdom will require following the guidance God gives you, even when doing so is difficult. Keep in mind that your perspective on your relationships is limited, whereas God’s perspective is complete.
Here are just a few wisdom questions to consider:
Does this person enhance your relationship with God and your children?
Does this person exemplify godly traits like these: submissive to God, humble, self-controlled, generous, kind, etc.?
Does this person demonstrate good parenting attitudes and behaviors?
What is the state of this person’s finances and relationships with their extended family?
Can you walk humbly with God together, and do you share common values?
3. “What is my motivation for this relationship?”
It’s important to know what’s motivating you to date and what goals you have for your relationship. God’s purposes for single-parent dating involve discernment.
God’s goals for dating include healthy marriages and families. If your purposes and goals are anything less than that—like quenching your feelings of loneliness, finding a replacement spouse so you’ll have help with parenting and financial responsibilities, or just having fun—stop dating and wait until you’re ready to embrace dating in a way that can lead to the best outcomes for you and your family.
4. “Am I willing to give this more time?”
Please, don’t rush things. Rushing into dating or marriage can harm your romantic relationship, your children, and your whole family.
Build from a friendship and take all the time necessary to truly get to know the person and their family thoroughly before making decisions that will significantly affect the lives of everyone involved. Although you may feel ready to jump in feet-first-and-fast, it’s worth investing more time now so you can hopefully prevent heartbreak and damage to you and your children later.
5. “Am I too afraid to move forward?”
Fear and love are incompatible. Fear will always prevent you from doing what love leads you to do. Look back long enough to learn from your mistakes but not so long you are gripped with fear to move forward. Fear will either keep you from the good relationship you want or force you to settle for something less than you deserve.
Some common fears for single parents who are dating are:
Losing your connection to their kids
Causing your kids' pain
Not successfully blending families
Choosing a poor spouse (again)
Having an ex make your life miserable
Being spiritually judged
Ask God to help you identify your fears and pray for Him to help you overcome them in order to enjoy a successful dating relationship. He can help you move beyond them through His power of forgiveness and love. Then, trust God to give you the courage to either truly commit to each other in marriage or walk away if you’re not right for each other.
DROPPING THE BAGS
Change happens when you make the choice to drop your bags and unpack them—for good.
While you wait on God to prepare you for the relationship He has planned for you, here are eight practical steps you can take:
Look for a support group like Divorce Care or Hope and Healing.
Find a Christian counselor or Life Coach if you need to go deeper.
Have a friend who can hold you accountable.
Take a timeout from dating and date yourself.
Serve someone other than yourself. Often, you don’t find the person you’re looking for; they find you when you’re serving someone other than yourself.
Work on becoming the person that the person you’re looking for is looking for.
Pray it forward. Focus on forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. Read Philippians 3:13
Get plugged into a church.
PRO TIP: Don’t forget to help your kids overcome their fears. Reassure your kids that your dating won’t diminish your love and commitment to them. Engage in conversations about how your lives may change and listen to the thoughts and feelings they express. Acknowledge and identify their fears. Stay patient with them, and don’t push them to accept your dating relationship before they’re truly ready to do so.
At SV, we come alongside single parents and support them in their singleness. We have the tools and resources for the right relationship. If you live in the Tampa Bay area, please contact us about joining one of our groups—Hope and Help and Single and Parenting.
Check Out Our Podcast
It’s a Single Mom Thing podcast episode titled: Letting Go of Baggage