How to Spot a Dangerous Man: Protecting Your Heart and Your Home
You know that feeling. He said something that didn't quite sit right, and you scrolled right past it. Or a friend brought up a small concern, and you found yourself defending him before you'd even finished hearing her out.
Most of us have been there. Not because we're bad judges of character. Because when you're tired, and lonely, and doing everything solo, a little bit of attention can feel like water in the desert. It's easy to talk yourself out of what your gut already knew.
Here's the truth: discernment isn't a gift some women have, and others don't. It's a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned, sharpened, and trusted again, even if it's let you down before.
1) Guard your heart, because everything flows from it
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” That's not a warning to close yourself off from love. It's an invitation to pay attention. Your heart is worth protecting, and so is your home, and so are the kids watching how you choose who gets close to both.
Sandra L. Brown, M.A., is a domestic violence counselor and author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved. Her research shows that women have an innate red flag system, an internal alarm that often goes off long before things turn dangerous. The problem usually isn't that we don't sense it. It's that we learn to override it. Her book walks through eight types of dangerous men and helps readers build what she calls a personal 'Do Not Date' list: patterns to watch for, built from your own story. This fall, we're teaching a special class on exactly this, inspired by Phyllis's original teachings here at the Village and drawing from Brown's work.
2) The Heart Guard Checklist: a few things worth paying attention to
Brown calls hers a Do Not Date list. Ours is a starting point we call the Heart Guard Checklist:
He moves fast, and gets frustrated when you don't keep up. Real love has patience for a real relationship to build. Pressure to commit, move in, or get serious before you've had time to actually know him is a pace set for his comfort, not yours.
Your boundaries get treated as a challenge. A healthy man respects a “no” the first time. If you find yourself repeating the same boundary over and over, or feeling guilty for having one at all, pay attention.
His story doesn't quite add up. Small inconsistencies in what he tells you about his past, his job, or his other relationships aren't always nothing. One inconsistency might be a slip. A pattern of them is information.
He's wonderful to you and unkind to everyone else. Watch how he treats a waitress, a coworker, your kids when he thinks you're not fully paying attention. That's often closer to the truth than the version of him you get.
You feel a little smaller after time with him. Slowly pulled away from friends, family, or things you used to enjoy. If your world has quietly gotten narrower since he came into it, that's worth naming out loud.
Calm turns to anger fast, and he blames you for it. Everyone has bad moments. A pattern of anger followed by “look what you made me do” is not a bad moment. It's a pattern.
None of these on their own means you've found a dangerous man. But when you notice several together, that's not you being dramatic. That's discernment doing exactly what it's supposed to do.
3) You don't have to figure this out alone
This is the whole point of the class, and honestly, the whole point of the Village. You don't need to become an expert in psychology to protect your heart. You need people around you who will help you see clearly, especially when your judgment is clouded by hope, or loneliness, or wanting so badly for this one to be different.
Follow along on social media and our website for more class content on “How to Spot a Dangerous Man: Protecting Your Heart and Your Home.” Come as you are, whether you're dating again, healing from a relationship that hurt you, or simply want to raise your daughters and sons with clear discernment.
And if anything in this post named something you're living through right now, please reach out. Our prayer hotline is available at 855-822-PRAY, day or night. If you are in immediate danger, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at
You don't have to do this alone. You never have.
